An Oarful Dilemma

Recently - yesterday, in fact - Marie-Clare arrived at my house. The understanding was that we would watch an enormous number of films in the hours that were available to us. The films in question all had one thing in common: the presence of Jude Law, even though he died in most of them. Unfortunately, Marie-Clare and I have differing opinions on the matter of these films. It's the next day now, and we still haven't agreed over certain aspects of them. So, we formulated a new plan. Marie-Clare and I have each written what we thought of several of the films we watched, written below. It is up to you to judge who is right and who is wrong. Except bear in mind that this is my blog, and therefore I'm probably right.

GATTACA (1997)

Leslie

Anyone who reads this blog regularly is already aware exactly how unbelievably, unbeatably awesome I think the film 'Gattaca' is. I've seen it five times now and I hold the belief that it gets better every time. I think NASA even voted it to be the most realistic science fiction film of all time. It is dramatic, written from a believable premise, and intensely moving. Especially the end part, contrary to Marie-Clare's beliefs.

Marie-Clare

So, Leslie hyped it up a lot. It was like Avatar. Really hyped up, but then a big letdown. Well, it was better than Avatar, but you get what I mean. Jude Law's character, I must admit, was stunning. The other actors just couldn't live up to it. I did like the theme about it being set in the not-too-distant-future. Everyone knows I cry a lot in movies, but this one just didn't hit the spot. It wasn't moving. At all.

Leslie

Ok, I know I've already had my bit, but I'm not letting this go. ALL the characters and actors were fantastic. Also, I'm not taking this from someone who thought that two distinctly different characters - played by two distinctly different actors - were the same character, right up until they actually had a scene together. Also, what's not moving about DEATH?

THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY (1999)

Marie-Clare

This film was not what I expected. Not for the squeamish, this film was disturbing from the beginning. There is a lot of death and unfortunately Jude Law dies quite early. Matt Damon is very good at portraying Mr. Ripley, and is also good at portraying Mr. Ripley portraying Mr. Greenleaf. I think it's much sadder in the end than Gattaca. Mind you, I still didn't cry.

The most disturbing part for me was not actually seeing anything but hearing the playback of a certain death scene. The other two hadn't affected me like that, despite the fake blood and Tom Ripley's freaky murder face.

Leslie

'The Talented Mr. Ripley' is about a man who kills people and steals someone's identity. I'm allowed to tell you that because it's not part of the plot that you're surprised to find out. It's a murder mystery without the mystery. And you were supposed to identify with the murderer.

I admit this film is probably not for people who don't enjoy seeing Matt Damon bludgeon his best friend to death with an oar. In fact, just about every character Mr. Ripley gets close to, he then goes on to either kill or attempt to kill. Part of what was so disturbing about this film was that I still don't know whether Tom Ripley was gay or not. You'd think I would have figured it out after a whole film, but no. I have genuinely no idea.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (2009)

Marie-Clare

This film I had already seen quite a few times, but it had a good plot line. I liked the fact that Jude Law didn't die in this film, which was a change. The only part that I didn't like as much was the fight scene in the boxing ring because that was quite disturbing. Although it was still less disturbing than 'The Talented Mr. Ripley'.

Again, I didn't cry in the end, although this one isn't really a sad movie. It was kind of murder mystery, kind of comedy. In my opinion, the film was witty, edgy, and action-packed. Well, that's what it says on the box.

Leslie

Despite the murders and graphic fight scenes of this film, I am forced to admit that it was way less graphic than Mr. Ripley. 'Sherlock Holmes' has a midget buried alive? Well, 'Mr. Ripley' has a man who attacks his best friend with an oar. And then steals his identity. I'm of the opinion that if Sherlock Holmes had been in 'Mr. Ripley', lives could have been saved. Although seeing that Jude Law is in both films, I'm not sure it would have worked. It would have been intensely confusing. Perhaps as confusing as the way Mr. Ripley KILLED everyone he liked, thus utterly destroying his own chances of happiness. I'm sorry, this isn't really a review of 'Sherlock Holmes'. But I'm still hung up over 'Mr. Ripley'.

And there are our opinions of the films. Although it should be noted that since writing about 'Mr Ripley', we Googled the ending and discovered that it actually made sense and that Mr. Ripley is not just a mad, psychopathic murderer. He is a psychopathic murder with a reason. Like a rebel with a cause. In fact, after learning of this ending Marie-Clare has stated that if she had realised it at the time, the movie may just have been sad enough to make her cry. Then again, Marie-Clare cried the time when we were watching Concert for George and Paul McCartney walked on the stage - which wasn't even a sad moment - and therefore her opinion is not as valid is it would otherwise be.

Marie-Clare has spent much of the non-film-watching time pestering me for a last name. The only other people in this blog who have achieved last names so far are myself, my family (who obviously have the same last name as me), and Giuseppe L. Schneider.

The problem, as I see it, is that Marie-Clare will be unable to decide her last name. When she raised the issue a couple of months ago, she wanted to have 25's last name, which I didn't give her, partly because (a) it's also the last name of a writer I like, although spelt differently, and I wouldn't do that to the writer in question, and (b) it was creepy. Now, after the benefit of some thought, she has decided she wants to go with Zuckerberg. This after viewing the Social Network and ALMOST crying. For those of you who aren't as centred on the Facebook CEO as Marie-Clare, here he is:

LESLIE (L): You can't have the last name of a real person.

MARIE-CLARE (MC): I'm not having the last name of a real person. Besides, I bet there are lots of people with the last name Schneider.

L: So what, Mark Zuckerberg isn't a real person?

MC: No. And Facebook is made up as well.

L: Then how can you explain the fact that I saw you going on Facebook yesterday?

MC: It was all in your imagination.

Marie-Clare has claimed that she 'deserves' a last name now as I have embarrassed her on the blog. Again. Also, she accuses me of having chosen a bad picture of Mark Zuckerberg. To which I say: I was writing that ALL down as we were saying it. It's completely accurate. Yes it is, Marie-Clare.

Marie-Clare and I were both on her supposedly non-existent Facebook page yesterday, chatting with an unsuspecting Facebook friend of hers. I was typing, Marie-Clare was talking, and overall I think we made a confusing impression upon her. Here is the conversation, almost in its entirety, although we have taken the liberty of removing certain information- as well as some people's names - that may give a clue as to her identity:

hey

hey

How are you this fine Canberran evening?

lol

well

just watching gossip girl?

you?

I wouldn't pollute my eyes with that rubbish, that trash, that foul garbage that passes for acceptable television. Apart from that, however, I am exceedingly well and perfectly fine.

lol

true

a guilty pleasure of mine

Are you experiencing feelings of excitement at the prospect of returning to our place of education?

HELL YES!

23 sleeps!!!

less than a moth

month*

I know. I, too, am overwhelmed with an influx of contradictory emotions. Excitement, worry, happiness, loss, guilt, euphoria, hunger . . . the list is endless.

lol

wow you use a lot of words

Well, one doesn't want to get out of practice when one intends upon doing not one, but two courses of English in the coming school year.

very true

I, personally, am currently listening to classical music while performing a ballet routine choreographed around the story of my life, writing a new and incisive biography of Oscar Wilde, and training a group of small, determined sea lions to sing in the key of A minor. While talking to you.

holy crap

you're amazing

Well, one doesn't like to boast of one's personal achievements, but I have recently been awarded both the Booker and Nobel prizes for my combined literary and scientific work, as well as being made Time magazine's person of the year. In fact, I'm rather hurt I received no congratulatory notice from you or your office.

oh wow

congrats!

i had no idea

Well, it's a little late, but my thanks to you all the same. It's a pity you didn't think to tell me before I decided to abandon my life in Australia in disgust at the lack of recognition I received, and attempt to seek my fortune in America.

wait

you're moving to america?

you are so kidding

and what are sea lions?

On the contrary, I have been living there for the past two weeks. I'm attempting to set up a joint venture with Mark Zuckerberg in order to destroy Bill Gates' grip on this and other nations. As for sea lions, they are the natural predators of sea monkeys, and I'm surprised you never covered it in Biology. My classmates and I covered the topic thoroughly during our time in Year 8.

yeah i know

but you're teaching them to sing?

you're just on a holiday in america

right?

NB: Marie-Clare has recently returned from a holiday in America, which is why we had the idea.

Yes, it's part of a project for the winter science fair at my American school. Sea lions are naturally prone to emitting a high-pitched keening noise - I believe it works to entice their prey, the sea monkeys. I am merely attempting to teach them to alter their pitch to such a degree that they have the ability to sing in harmony.

uh huh

You sound unconvinced.

well you never mentioned this

in our previous encounters

and you never used this kind of language either

plus this is over facebook

how do i know this is even you talking?

I am appalled at your lack of trust in the security of my Facebook page. I don't see why I should not be permitted to broaden my vocabulary - I consider it a useful skill in this modern world.

it's just

this conversation was totally out of the blue

and people's facebook's are easily hacked

and i know you have been or are in america

It's true that Facebook can be hacked, but why, if I were a hacker, would I be enticed into a long and intense conversation with somebody I didn't know? Furthermore, I have the ability to prove my identity, and I shall do so now.

ok ok

I'm sorry

I LOVE 25

lol

Would anyone other than Marie-Clare say that phrase?

and who before that?

who did you love before that?

One doesn't like to disclose a gentleman's name on a public forum, but as you insist: I believe the person you are referring to goes by the name of [insert name here].

yes he does

and you already disclosed 25's

25 is not a gentleman.

Hahaha

He is a sex god.

lol

k k i sincerely apologise

for doubting your identity

And I, dear friend, accept your apology humbly and sincerely.

and you have every right to expand your vocabulary when and as you please

Thank you understanding my pressing need for words; very few people are able to comprehend my addiction, as it is not, per se, of a physical kind, but I consider my word-love every bit as important as my love for 25.

lol

quite charming

Thank you. In fact, I think it all stems from my deep-set belief that I am the reincarnation of the late, great, prophetic man of words, Oscar Wilde.

Haha

that's cool

Yes, it's a fact I'm rather proud of. I aspire in every way to be like him; I spent my last holidays attempting to break into Reading Gaol.

Not, you understand, that Wilde was a man for burglary or felony of that nature, but he did spend a not inconsiderable period of time there and as such I wished to spend time in the same location.

ah i see

Have you ever had the feeling that you, too, may be a reincarnation of some great soul?

no i can't say i have

Ah. Alas, you are missing out on more than you could know.

Next time you see me - as I intend to visit Australia once more upon the commencement of your school year - you should raise the subject with me. I believe we could have a great deal to converse over.

well marie-clare you are quite something

sure thing

and what school will you be attending?

Thank you for your opinion on the matter; it's certainly high praise.

Whilst in America, I shall be attending the renowned institution of Taylorsville High, Salt Lake City.

i thought you said that salt lake is disgusting

anyway i must be off

bye

And yet I intend to make my home there. How quickly one's mind can change. You will already be aware of that fact, of course.

Looking at 25 and [insert name here] and my swift change between them.

yes

Well, if you must depart, I'll say farewell as well.

Ciao!

For now, I am not giving Marie-Clare her last name, until she thinks of something original that she will not change her mind about in two weeks. Although Marie-Clare does change her mind often, I think we can be fairly certain of one thing: she won't be going for Ripley. At least not any time soon.

The Case of the Mysterious Fortune Cookies

A mystery, fit for the likes Sherlock Holmes or Lord Peter Wimsey, is unfolding here at school. Everyone is a suspect, from the meanest passer-by to the victims themselves. Each day, another clue. Each clue, another tantalising hint as to the identity of . . .

CHARLIE THE UNICORN

(or, the Master of the Fortune Cookies)

It was a stormy night, insofar as it was neither stormy nor, if you get right down to it, night time. I was, in the best tradition of Sherlock Holmes, reclining on a bench. Not that Sherlock Holmes ever reclined on a bench. He did a lot of reclining, though, and I'm sure if he had ever found a bench, he would have made damn sure to recline on it. Unlike Sherlock Holmes, I wasn't playing the violin, taking cocaine or pretending to be an opium fiend. If it makes you feel any better, though, you can pretend I was.

Twas on this fateful night (or rather, lunchtime) that Aviator approached me, wielding his phone. 'Leslie, look at these strange texts I've been getting.'

I did so. The first one said 'Charlie! Charlie! I'm Charlie the unicorn!'

They got stranger after that. I am unable to recall the exact wording. Also, some of the wording I do recall is unfit to be published. However, the general gist of the matter is this.

The alleged unicorn intends to go back in time and get Hitler's autograph. How, I am unable to disclose. But to complete this noble goal, Charlie needs a Stalin-esque moustache, and he - or she - needs Aviator's help to get this.

His first thought was of a friend of ours who has a thing about Hitler. The other day, she drew a Hitler moustache on her finger, placed it under her nose, stood outside the window of Mr W's history classroom (we always eat lunch on the benches in front of his window) and sieg heiled for a good five to ten minutes in the hope that he'd look up. Unfortunately, he was thoroughly involved in marking papers and didn't look up once. As you can see, we had valid grounds for accusing this friend (whom I shall now on refer to as Hitler, as she asked for it especially. She's certainly making it difficult for me. Unlike a friend of hers, who asked to be known as Bob Dylan henceforth). However, we soon ruled her out. Aviator knew her phone number, and it didn't match that of the mysterious unicorn.

It was at this point that I, using my great deductive skill, began to suspect that what we were dealing with here was more or less than a unicorn. In short, I started to have the faintest inkling that Charlie was not, in fact, a member of the magical horse family. Yes, I was accusing him - or her - of being a liar. Harsh, but fair. There was one insurmountable piece of evidence against him or her (look, I'm just going to type 'her' from now on, it takes less time and it makes me feel less like I'm re-enforcing the sexist stereotype that all master criminals have to be male). Unicorns can't type. What's more, I doubt many of them own mobile phones. What would they keep them in? You can't tell me that unicorns have started to wear jackets now.

There was more to this intriguing mystery. After Aviator received the first texts, he had replied asking what he would get in return for the moustache. The so-called unicorn had quickly texted back, saying that Aviator would receive a fortune cookie to help him on his quest within the next few days from one of Charlie's minions. Unsurprisingly, we scoffed at this. Aviator then confided his suspicions.

He believed it was from my sister, the RCG. To which I replied: no. For one thing, her phone number's different to Charlie's. Also she's not called Charlie.

He agreed with me, and we parted ways. That is to say, we hung around for a good few minutes after that discussing Lox and whether or not he's going to be expelled (we're all hoping not, obviously). But we parted ways after that.

Later the same day, however, came news of a sudden discovery. A red box had been discovered in Giuseppe's locker - and it contained both a fortune cookie and a note. Giuseppe, Aviator, and I all crowded around. While the fortune cookie appeared to be a normal fortune cookie (well, it's a biscuit that's MEANT to have paper cooked inside it - it's not that normal), the note was far from it. Written in heavily disguised writing, it asked Aviator to draw a moustache on a bit of paper, cut it out, and leave it in Giuseppe's locker. We examined it closely. I thought the writing looked like a cross between Shoelace's and Giuseppe's, but as it was disguised it was fairly hard to tell. It could have been Giuseppe, of course: it's always the person you least suspect. But as soon as I began to suspect Giuseppe, that meant someone else was the person I suspected least. I don't know who thought of that theory, but it doesn't work at ALL. Anyway, Giuseppe thought it looked like the handwriting of a boy in our year, but decided, in hindsight, that it actually didn't. Aviator's contribution to this investigation was to chase people, force them to smell the box - which had now been revealed as a perfume box - and ask whether it smelt like men or women's perfume. Unfortunately, it was the end of school by this point and we were forced to leave for fear of missing our respective buses.

The next day, I arrived to find Giuseppe unusually complacent. She had opened her locker to discover yet another fortune cookie, this one meant for her, complete with a note thanking her for the use of her locker (the unwary reader may be a little surprised at how Charlie managed to get into Giuseppe's locker. Well, her locker combination is an open secret among her friends. Even I know it. And I can barely remember my own. I forgot it once, and had to search the school to find someone who knew it). What's more, she'd been considering it, and thought she knew who the person was. Unfortunately, she wouldn't tell me. She did give me the fortune from the middle of her cookie. It said 'Ask the right questions and you'll get the right answers'. I took this as a sign. But she still wouldn't tell me.

The next day, Aviator had received another note, again through Giuseppe's locker. This one thanked him for the moustache. It seems Charlie has now left us, presumably to go and get Hitler's autograph. Good luck to her, I say. As long as the real Stalin doesn't turn up while she's trying to fool our friend Adolf, she's in with a good chance. Assuming she's managed to build a time machine. The fact that they can time travel could give us some useful hints as to their identity. It may be this person:

But, then again, I was never a Tennant fan. It's just as likely to be this person:

As we all know, the Eleventh Doctor is far superior to the Tenth. I was actually having a long argument with Falcon about this the other day. He and Peanut ganged up on me. Marie-Clare and Ames are generally on my side regarding this crucial issue, but Marie-Clare wasn't there at the time, and Ames has never actually watched any of the episodes. She just likes Matt Smith because I told her he wears suspenders. Which he does. And which are far superior to whatever David Tennant used to stop his trousers from falling down on set. Anyway, Aviator was involved in the argument too, but he kept swapping sides to confuse and perplex us. Eventually we got to the point Peanut and I invariably get to when discussing the Tenth Doctor vs. Eleventh Doctor problem, which is yelling at each other and ignoring whatever the other person says. Falcon eventually looked on the library computers (yes, we were in the library at the time. MBD? Probably). 'It says here there's a book in the library about Doctor Who. We'll look at that, and then we'll see who's right.'

'You can't,' I said. 'I borrowed it on Tuesday. For my brother,' I added hastily, as all eyes turned to me.

'Well, look at it when you get home and you'll see that David Tennant is the best by far!'

We kept this argument going all the way out of the library, and part of the way into our locker areas. Unfortunately I was so involved in making what I considered to be a vital point in my argument I accidentally collided sharply with someone coming the other way. Aviator found this so amusing he spent the rest of the day pretending to walk into walls when talking to me. ARE THOSE THE ACTIONS OF A SANE MAN? In short, someone, who can be trusted in making important decisions Matt Smith/David Tennant-wise? I think not. Besides, we all know I'm right.

Anyway, that is the mystery as it currently stands. We know the perpetrator reads this blog because one of the texts said something along the lines of 'Hello Aviator, yes, that's right, I read Leslie's blog'. Who knows if this post will encourage or discourage her. Only time will tell.

And so, dear readers (also less dear ones; I wouldn't want you to feel left out), I am forced to leave you at this deeply suspenseful moment. But fear not! No doubt an update is coming soon on the . . . 

CASE OF THE MYSTERIOUS FORTUNE COOKIES