An Oarful Dilemma

Recently - yesterday, in fact - Marie-Clare arrived at my house. The understanding was that we would watch an enormous number of films in the hours that were available to us. The films in question all had one thing in common: the presence of Jude Law, even though he died in most of them. Unfortunately, Marie-Clare and I have differing opinions on the matter of these films. It's the next day now, and we still haven't agreed over certain aspects of them. So, we formulated a new plan. Marie-Clare and I have each written what we thought of several of the films we watched, written below. It is up to you to judge who is right and who is wrong. Except bear in mind that this is my blog, and therefore I'm probably right.

GATTACA (1997)

Leslie

Anyone who reads this blog regularly is already aware exactly how unbelievably, unbeatably awesome I think the film 'Gattaca' is. I've seen it five times now and I hold the belief that it gets better every time. I think NASA even voted it to be the most realistic science fiction film of all time. It is dramatic, written from a believable premise, and intensely moving. Especially the end part, contrary to Marie-Clare's beliefs.

Marie-Clare

So, Leslie hyped it up a lot. It was like Avatar. Really hyped up, but then a big letdown. Well, it was better than Avatar, but you get what I mean. Jude Law's character, I must admit, was stunning. The other actors just couldn't live up to it. I did like the theme about it being set in the not-too-distant-future. Everyone knows I cry a lot in movies, but this one just didn't hit the spot. It wasn't moving. At all.

Leslie

Ok, I know I've already had my bit, but I'm not letting this go. ALL the characters and actors were fantastic. Also, I'm not taking this from someone who thought that two distinctly different characters - played by two distinctly different actors - were the same character, right up until they actually had a scene together. Also, what's not moving about DEATH?

THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY (1999)

Marie-Clare

This film was not what I expected. Not for the squeamish, this film was disturbing from the beginning. There is a lot of death and unfortunately Jude Law dies quite early. Matt Damon is very good at portraying Mr. Ripley, and is also good at portraying Mr. Ripley portraying Mr. Greenleaf. I think it's much sadder in the end than Gattaca. Mind you, I still didn't cry.

The most disturbing part for me was not actually seeing anything but hearing the playback of a certain death scene. The other two hadn't affected me like that, despite the fake blood and Tom Ripley's freaky murder face.

Leslie

'The Talented Mr. Ripley' is about a man who kills people and steals someone's identity. I'm allowed to tell you that because it's not part of the plot that you're surprised to find out. It's a murder mystery without the mystery. And you were supposed to identify with the murderer.

I admit this film is probably not for people who don't enjoy seeing Matt Damon bludgeon his best friend to death with an oar. In fact, just about every character Mr. Ripley gets close to, he then goes on to either kill or attempt to kill. Part of what was so disturbing about this film was that I still don't know whether Tom Ripley was gay or not. You'd think I would have figured it out after a whole film, but no. I have genuinely no idea.

SHERLOCK HOLMES (2009)

Marie-Clare

This film I had already seen quite a few times, but it had a good plot line. I liked the fact that Jude Law didn't die in this film, which was a change. The only part that I didn't like as much was the fight scene in the boxing ring because that was quite disturbing. Although it was still less disturbing than 'The Talented Mr. Ripley'.

Again, I didn't cry in the end, although this one isn't really a sad movie. It was kind of murder mystery, kind of comedy. In my opinion, the film was witty, edgy, and action-packed. Well, that's what it says on the box.

Leslie

Despite the murders and graphic fight scenes of this film, I am forced to admit that it was way less graphic than Mr. Ripley. 'Sherlock Holmes' has a midget buried alive? Well, 'Mr. Ripley' has a man who attacks his best friend with an oar. And then steals his identity. I'm of the opinion that if Sherlock Holmes had been in 'Mr. Ripley', lives could have been saved. Although seeing that Jude Law is in both films, I'm not sure it would have worked. It would have been intensely confusing. Perhaps as confusing as the way Mr. Ripley KILLED everyone he liked, thus utterly destroying his own chances of happiness. I'm sorry, this isn't really a review of 'Sherlock Holmes'. But I'm still hung up over 'Mr. Ripley'.

And there are our opinions of the films. Although it should be noted that since writing about 'Mr Ripley', we Googled the ending and discovered that it actually made sense and that Mr. Ripley is not just a mad, psychopathic murderer. He is a psychopathic murder with a reason. Like a rebel with a cause. In fact, after learning of this ending Marie-Clare has stated that if she had realised it at the time, the movie may just have been sad enough to make her cry. Then again, Marie-Clare cried the time when we were watching Concert for George and Paul McCartney walked on the stage - which wasn't even a sad moment - and therefore her opinion is not as valid is it would otherwise be.

Marie-Clare has spent much of the non-film-watching time pestering me for a last name. The only other people in this blog who have achieved last names so far are myself, my family (who obviously have the same last name as me), and Giuseppe L. Schneider.

The problem, as I see it, is that Marie-Clare will be unable to decide her last name. When she raised the issue a couple of months ago, she wanted to have 25's last name, which I didn't give her, partly because (a) it's also the last name of a writer I like, although spelt differently, and I wouldn't do that to the writer in question, and (b) it was creepy. Now, after the benefit of some thought, she has decided she wants to go with Zuckerberg. This after viewing the Social Network and ALMOST crying. For those of you who aren't as centred on the Facebook CEO as Marie-Clare, here he is:

LESLIE (L): You can't have the last name of a real person.

MARIE-CLARE (MC): I'm not having the last name of a real person. Besides, I bet there are lots of people with the last name Schneider.

L: So what, Mark Zuckerberg isn't a real person?

MC: No. And Facebook is made up as well.

L: Then how can you explain the fact that I saw you going on Facebook yesterday?

MC: It was all in your imagination.

Marie-Clare has claimed that she 'deserves' a last name now as I have embarrassed her on the blog. Again. Also, she accuses me of having chosen a bad picture of Mark Zuckerberg. To which I say: I was writing that ALL down as we were saying it. It's completely accurate. Yes it is, Marie-Clare.

Marie-Clare and I were both on her supposedly non-existent Facebook page yesterday, chatting with an unsuspecting Facebook friend of hers. I was typing, Marie-Clare was talking, and overall I think we made a confusing impression upon her. Here is the conversation, almost in its entirety, although we have taken the liberty of removing certain information- as well as some people's names - that may give a clue as to her identity:

hey

hey

How are you this fine Canberran evening?

lol

well

just watching gossip girl?

you?

I wouldn't pollute my eyes with that rubbish, that trash, that foul garbage that passes for acceptable television. Apart from that, however, I am exceedingly well and perfectly fine.

lol

true

a guilty pleasure of mine

Are you experiencing feelings of excitement at the prospect of returning to our place of education?

HELL YES!

23 sleeps!!!

less than a moth

month*

I know. I, too, am overwhelmed with an influx of contradictory emotions. Excitement, worry, happiness, loss, guilt, euphoria, hunger . . . the list is endless.

lol

wow you use a lot of words

Well, one doesn't want to get out of practice when one intends upon doing not one, but two courses of English in the coming school year.

very true

I, personally, am currently listening to classical music while performing a ballet routine choreographed around the story of my life, writing a new and incisive biography of Oscar Wilde, and training a group of small, determined sea lions to sing in the key of A minor. While talking to you.

holy crap

you're amazing

Well, one doesn't like to boast of one's personal achievements, but I have recently been awarded both the Booker and Nobel prizes for my combined literary and scientific work, as well as being made Time magazine's person of the year. In fact, I'm rather hurt I received no congratulatory notice from you or your office.

oh wow

congrats!

i had no idea

Well, it's a little late, but my thanks to you all the same. It's a pity you didn't think to tell me before I decided to abandon my life in Australia in disgust at the lack of recognition I received, and attempt to seek my fortune in America.

wait

you're moving to america?

you are so kidding

and what are sea lions?

On the contrary, I have been living there for the past two weeks. I'm attempting to set up a joint venture with Mark Zuckerberg in order to destroy Bill Gates' grip on this and other nations. As for sea lions, they are the natural predators of sea monkeys, and I'm surprised you never covered it in Biology. My classmates and I covered the topic thoroughly during our time in Year 8.

yeah i know

but you're teaching them to sing?

you're just on a holiday in america

right?

NB: Marie-Clare has recently returned from a holiday in America, which is why we had the idea.

Yes, it's part of a project for the winter science fair at my American school. Sea lions are naturally prone to emitting a high-pitched keening noise - I believe it works to entice their prey, the sea monkeys. I am merely attempting to teach them to alter their pitch to such a degree that they have the ability to sing in harmony.

uh huh

You sound unconvinced.

well you never mentioned this

in our previous encounters

and you never used this kind of language either

plus this is over facebook

how do i know this is even you talking?

I am appalled at your lack of trust in the security of my Facebook page. I don't see why I should not be permitted to broaden my vocabulary - I consider it a useful skill in this modern world.

it's just

this conversation was totally out of the blue

and people's facebook's are easily hacked

and i know you have been or are in america

It's true that Facebook can be hacked, but why, if I were a hacker, would I be enticed into a long and intense conversation with somebody I didn't know? Furthermore, I have the ability to prove my identity, and I shall do so now.

ok ok

I'm sorry

I LOVE 25

lol

Would anyone other than Marie-Clare say that phrase?

and who before that?

who did you love before that?

One doesn't like to disclose a gentleman's name on a public forum, but as you insist: I believe the person you are referring to goes by the name of [insert name here].

yes he does

and you already disclosed 25's

25 is not a gentleman.

Hahaha

He is a sex god.

lol

k k i sincerely apologise

for doubting your identity

And I, dear friend, accept your apology humbly and sincerely.

and you have every right to expand your vocabulary when and as you please

Thank you understanding my pressing need for words; very few people are able to comprehend my addiction, as it is not, per se, of a physical kind, but I consider my word-love every bit as important as my love for 25.

lol

quite charming

Thank you. In fact, I think it all stems from my deep-set belief that I am the reincarnation of the late, great, prophetic man of words, Oscar Wilde.

Haha

that's cool

Yes, it's a fact I'm rather proud of. I aspire in every way to be like him; I spent my last holidays attempting to break into Reading Gaol.

Not, you understand, that Wilde was a man for burglary or felony of that nature, but he did spend a not inconsiderable period of time there and as such I wished to spend time in the same location.

ah i see

Have you ever had the feeling that you, too, may be a reincarnation of some great soul?

no i can't say i have

Ah. Alas, you are missing out on more than you could know.

Next time you see me - as I intend to visit Australia once more upon the commencement of your school year - you should raise the subject with me. I believe we could have a great deal to converse over.

well marie-clare you are quite something

sure thing

and what school will you be attending?

Thank you for your opinion on the matter; it's certainly high praise.

Whilst in America, I shall be attending the renowned institution of Taylorsville High, Salt Lake City.

i thought you said that salt lake is disgusting

anyway i must be off

bye

And yet I intend to make my home there. How quickly one's mind can change. You will already be aware of that fact, of course.

Looking at 25 and [insert name here] and my swift change between them.

yes

Well, if you must depart, I'll say farewell as well.

Ciao!

For now, I am not giving Marie-Clare her last name, until she thinks of something original that she will not change her mind about in two weeks. Although Marie-Clare does change her mind often, I think we can be fairly certain of one thing: she won't be going for Ripley. At least not any time soon.

A Harper by any other name

Today's post is a note on names.

As you will know, I use nicknames to refer to people in this blog instead of real ones. I'm still not sure why, as I doubt anyone who doesn't know the true identities of everyone I write about reads this account. But it certainly adds an air of mystery, and is fast becoming the Next Big Craze (and yes, this is my blog, and I'm allowed to exaggerate).

The blog nickname is now a fashion item, something convenient to take with you wherever you may go. Portable, attractive, and personalised. What's not to love? They're extremely desirable, and only available to a select few.

For example, my sister entered my room only a few minutes ago to complain, after reading the previous post. 'You've mentioned me twice, and I don't have a nickname yet! Drummer Boy has one, but I'm only in as your little sister.'

I, who was in the middle of a perplexing question on my Maths assignment, sighed. 'What kind of thing do you want?'

'Um . . .' she stalled. 'How about - Princess - Narnia - Trilogy - um . . . Pi - Ishiguru - Nix . . .'

'Are you reading those names off my bookshelves?'

'Possibly.'

'Well, I suppose you could be - Pntpin. No, that's not a word. How about . . . Pontoon?'

'I can't have that! It makes me sound fat!'

'Well, what do you want?'

'I don't know. But I want you to write a story about me. The last time you wrote about me you just said I was reluctantly grating cheese. I want a proper one.'

Inspiration struck. 'How about the Reluctant Cheese Grater?'

'No!'

'Or the RCG.'

'No.'

'Well, unless you can think of anything better, that's what it's going to be.'

She then hung on my door handle for the next few minutes, whining, until she finally got bored and vacated the room.

Sister o' mine (name unmentioned), you have 24 hours before the RCG sticks. If you want to make another suggestion before that time is up, feel free. Otherwise, Cheese Grater it will be. And as I foresee keeping this blog well into my adult life, and people are doubtless going to be curious as to the origin of the acronym 'RCG', I would use this time wisely.

I generally let people choose their own nicknames, unless I have to write about them before meeting them again. In this case, I choose a name based on what I know about them. I often have to do this anyway, as people can be surprisingly indecisive. Middle names are a good place to start. With Ariane, for example. And partly Marie-Clare. Also Shoelace, but to a lesser degree. Shoelace is half-Chinese (the other half, I think, is Scottish) and her middle name is Suling. This nickname isn't new, she'd had it for some time before I started this blog. It was accidentally coined by Ariane, who, upon hearing the name, went 'You know, Suling sounds a lot like Shoelace.' Since then, it's taken off.

A lot of the nicknames are ones that were already in use. Peanut, for example. And Lala. Giuseppe was never a nickname, but it used to be the subject of a joke between us so it seems fitting to have it now.

Anyway, since the beginning, the nicknames have gained astonishing popularity. As mentioned, Giuseppe now calls me 'Leslie' in school. She even called it across the room in Maths yesterday - to my shame, I looked up. At my school, we get jumpers at the end of Year 10 (just to prove we've been there, probably). They have 'Year 10 2010' (or whatever year) written across the front, and a nickname on the back. Giuseppe, Marie-Clare and I are all considering getting our blog names on the back. Nobody else will get it, but we love to perplex.

I personally will have to go with 'Leslie M.' as there is already someone with the last name Harper in our year. In hindsight, it wasn't the best name to choose. Especially as there's also a photographer called 'Leslie M. Harper' (they couldn't even pick a different middle initial! The cheek!). I suppose I could go back and change it to 'Lander'. But I probably won't.

I even created a coat of arms for the name:

The castle thing is because Leslie means 'grey tower' (or 'holly garden', but when was the last time you saw a picture of a holly garden on a coat of arms?). The owl is the Egyptian hieroglyph for M. Also, I like owls. I'll assume you can guess what the harps are for. If you can't - well, I'll just assume that you can. The character on the bottom right is for my star sign (I'm not so big on the zodiac, but it also looks like an M. It also looks a bit like an MP, which is good, because I like Monty Python. Not because I want to be a politician. As I don't). The motto should mean 'In strange things we trust'. It probably doesn't, though, as I used an internet translator.

Seeing as I've done the others, I should probably put a rationale of my name as well. Leslie is the middle name of the pianist (and member of The Comedy Store Players) from Whose Line Is It Anyway. Boy, was that a vague reference. The 'Harper' is after David Harper, from the second series of an awesome English TV show. Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/This_is_David_Lander for a bit of an explanation. Or don't if you don't want to. I'll probably tell you all about it at a later date anyway.

The M is from the character of M in 'James Bond'. I'll tell you what it stands for as soon as he does. Or she, depending on whether you're thinking about the books or the new movies.

Anyway. The history of names. Extremely exciting. I've tried hard, and I'd like to think that everyone is happy with their nickname, from Marie-Clare (who looks French) to Gwen (who wanted Guinevere, but had to settle with the next best thing) to Chinny (whose real name is a nickname anyway: we call her that so often, in fact, I had to give her a new one).

With the possible exception of the RCG, anyway.