The Family Way

I may have confused a couple of you with the mentions of marriage in my previous post. I'm going to be honest. It confuses me too. And so, here is an explanation for those of you who require one.

I recently married Lala. By 'recently', I mean Thursday last week. It was a quick marriage. There wasn't even a ceremony. I just turned up and found out I was married. That's not the kind of thing I've ever been warned about. There are all kinds of posters going 'Watch out . . . you never know who may try to take advantage of you.' They're generally about sexual assault and/or drink spiking. Never have I seen a poster saying 'Watch out . . . you never know who may try and marry you when you least expect it.'

The disappointing part is that I'm not even her first wife. I'm her sixth. I am the only one who's married to her on Facebook, which I suppose is some kind of achievement. Still, it's not something to raise morale. Lala's wives, in order, are:

1. Sierra (whom I have never met)

2. Kel (whom I have met, but don't know well)

3. Ames (whom I do know well)

4. Ariane (this marriage was to be expected - they're practically inseparable anyway)

5. Peanut (about ten minutes before I married Lala, Peanut did. I think the only reason I got in was because they'd had a fight about something. Love does strange things to people)

6. Leslie (me)

7. Vyvyan (because clearly six wives just aren't enough for the modern woman)

This, in itself, is enough to get your head around. When Ariane married Ames, it was almost impossible to work with. The marriage triangle by itself is fairly complex. I would have been relatively content for it to stay thus. And it would have done, I believe, had Ariane not then immaculately conceived a child.

He is called Roman Valentino Cowlick. At least, he will be just as soon as he's born. The first two names are mine. The third is Ariane's choice. I don't know whether he is Lala's child, or Ames's. I did try messaging Lala to ask her about it, but she hasn't replied. Perhaps the memories are too recent, and too bitter.

I believe it was in an argument over Roman that caused the fatal split. Lala and Ariane decided to go for a divorce. Ariane married Pablo instead. Lala was forced to be content with her remaining six wives.

The custody battles over Roman had to be seen to be believed. If he'd actually been present, I'm sure it would have scarred him for life. I believe I touched briefly on these battles in the previous post. I'll just go over them again for those readers who are behind the times. Little Roman will spend Christmases with Lala and birthdays with Ariane, on the basis that his very first birthday was still to come, and when that day came, he was going to have to spend it with Ariane. Just the way our anatomies work.

Luckily, before we got on to the serious business of dividing up the estate, their hearts softened. They are now remarried. Ariane divorced Pablo. Instead, Ariane and Lala now act as Pablo's pimp. It seems to work for them. It's a new kind of nuclear family.

I'm sure I've lost a couple of you with these complex explanations. And so, here is a diagram. I spent much of today constructing an elaborate family tree for the situation we now find ourselves in. I was forced to leave Pablo off the tree, as I didn't want it to become too hard to read. Also, I'm not sure how to put in a whore's connection to the rest of the family. Is it a dotted line, or what? I have put Roman in as Ariane and Ames's child as, frankly, it was way easier.

And so, here is the ultimate Family Tree of all Family Trees:

That, I hope, will make it easier for the majority of you.

I've also left off the relationship between Peanut and myself. It is too soon . . . I just don't think I'm ready to put it on the family tree. We went through a painful breakup that I would prefer not to dwell on. Even now, it is hard to hold civilised conversations. All our conversations seem to follow this pattern (and yes, this is a recorded conversation, insofar as I'm typing it from the memory of an actual event. I don't pretend to be infallible):

PEANUT (P): What did we do in Geography last lesson?

LESLIE (L): How can you have forgotten? It was yesterday.

P: This is why we broke up. You're so unreasonable.

L: You can't talk like that. You're the one who . . . threw my heart across the floor.

P: Yeah, well, you threw my CDs across the floor! They're all broken now.

L: I hate your taste in music. It's your own fault.

P: If I'd actually thrown your heart across the floor you'd be dead by now.

L: Oh, yes, be literal about it.

Etcetera.

We get over it fairly quickly, though. We are, after all, reasonable human beings. I mean,we argued again before dance yesterday. And at the end we managed to jive perfectly happily together. But not well. Because I had to do the man's bit (just because I'm taller!), which I am less than competent at. So we did screw up slightly. Jeez, Peanut, what were you expecting? This is your fault. You should have remembered that I'd just spent the whole lesson doing the other bit, and I think I did quite well considering . . .

*ahem*. Reasonable human beings.