Leslie's Recipes: Tortellini

You, my readers, will know well what happens when I am unleashed in an ordinary suburban kitchen. My family, it seems, do not. Only yesterday my mother said to me (while I was innocently trying to watch an episode of 'This Is David Harper', one of the best shows ever made; hence, I was not at the height of my arguing skills) 'Could you see to dinner? You just have to get the tortellini from that packet in the fridge and cook it, and serve it with some grated cheese or something.'

With this brief, I reluctantly agreed to the task, girded myself (metaphorically speaking, as I wouldn't have a clue as to how to gird something, even if I tried), and set to it. For those of you who would like to follow my progress, the recipe is here, although it comes with a health-and-safety warning.

1. Open fridge. Look for tortellini. Discover a complete absence of tortellini. Take things out of the fridge in attempt to see better. Find ravioli, jar of jam, and anchovies. Still no tortellini.

2. Eat anchovy to raise strength. Put tin back and look for tortellini again.

3. Enlist parent's help in finding tortellini. Parent points out tortellini packet on shelf below the one I was searching through. Remove tortellini from fridge.

4. On closer inspection, the tortellini are bright green. Experience feeling of worry until noticing that packet says they are spinach flavour. Hope this means food poisoning will not result from consumption of said pasta - although with spinach, you never know.

5. Boil kettle. While waiting for kettle to boil, go and watch 'This Is David Harper' or show of similar excellence.

6. Realise kettle has boiled and cooled down again while show was being watched. Re-boil kettle.

7. Pour boiling water in large saucepan.

8. Realise should have put tortellini in saucepan first, as otherwise, when placed in pan, boiling water will splash.

9. Try putting tortellini in one by one. Get bored. Try throwing handfuls in from a distance instead. This is less accurate, but more efficient. Also getting good practice in with aiming skills for netball.

10. Turn heat on.

11. Discover younger brother (Drummer Boy) in room. As pasta is now cheerfully boiling away, decide to give him the English speech that is due tomorrow, even if he won't understand it.

12. Drummer Boy criticises several main points of English speech. Pasta tries to boil over. The distraction is welcome.

13. Eject Drummer Boy from room, claiming to be too busy to listen to him.

14. Watch tortellini cook, stirring occasionally.

15. Get bored and search the fridge for cheese.

16. In meantime, pasta boils over again. Turn stove right down to prevent re-occurrence of same incident.

17. Search for cheese again. Eventually, kneel down in despair at non-presence of cheese. Look up to discover cheese is now at eye-level.

18. Realise pot has stopped boiling all together. Turn heat up again. This time, swear to pay close attention.

19. Catch pot just before it boils over. Success!

20. Wonder when tortellini is supposed to be finished. Cannot check cooking instructions as have thrown packet away. Remember that with spaghetti, one way of telling whether it's cooked or not is to throw it at the ceiling. If it sticks, it's done.

21. Tortellini is not done. Either that, or my ceiling is non-stick.

22. Eat some tortellini in despair. It tastes done. Decide to risk it and serve.

23. In exhaustion, try to get Drummer Boy to grate cheese.

24. Drummer Boy fails in an epic manner. Clearly I am not the only culinary disappointment in this household. Younger sister is forced to grate cheese instead, which she does with much reluctance.

25. Decide to drain tortellini.

26. Drop tortellini in sink.

27. Rescue tortellini. Look for colander. Cannot find colander. Drain tortellini in sieve instead.

28. Serve tortellini up. Eat. Am hugely impressed with my skill with food. Sister is less impressed it took half an hour to cook pasta. She still eats it, though. Am glad I decided not to mention my attempts to stick pasta to ceiling before consumption of said pasta.

29. Celebrate by reading Wodehouse throughout dinner. Meal is a success.