'Stranger Things' in life

Until recently, I was under the impression that my blog had, in some minor way, improved the lives of my fellow people. School friends, that is, because I'm under no delusion that anyone else reads this thing. If you do, good for you. If not, then you won't be reading this, in which case you are an appalling person and I hope you fall off a cliff. Anyway, this is the prelude to the anecdote I'm about to relate.

At school today (in the five minutes before my Geography teacher turned up, if you want to be specific), I was discussing this blog with Marie-Clare and Peanut.

'You know, I only read the ones about me,' mused Marie-Clare. 'I read all through the bit about me and 25. Sometimes I skip over the rest of it, though.'

'Yeah, so do I,' agreed Peanut. She later retracted this statement, but at that moment, it hit me hard. They only read the bits concerning them? In that case, what was the point of me writing everything else? Also, how could I claim my blog had made an impact on their lives if they only admitted to reading part of it?

I thought this through, and realised I had made an impact. And what's more, I intend to show that this is the case. Today's post will be devoted to an example from the life of each person I have mentioned, demonstrating exactly how they've been affected by my blog. This, at least, will ensure that each paragraph is read at least once, even if it's only by the person featured in it themselves.

1. Peanut

To Peanut I believe I owe, above all, an apology. Since the publication of the 'secret word' post, she has been attacked from all sides by said weapon. Aviator alone used it three times today, and Frog, a friend of Peanut's, has used it too. A note to those considering using the word: don't use it too many times. Make sure to have a nice large gap between each usage of the word. This ensures the collapse of Peanut into hysterical laughter, whereas using it too many times in a row lessens the effect.

I did actually apologise to Peanut about it today. She waved it off. 'I think it's cool to have a super weakness. It would be better to have a more efficient one, though.'

Still, what can we expect from Peanut? Her first word was 'Batman'.

Oh, and one more thing - since I started a blog, Peanut has followed suit. It's called 'The Nut Case'. She's using the same nickname system as I am. Do read it - at http://the-nut-case.blogspot.com/

2. Giuseppe

Since the publication of this blog, Giuseppe has begun to hunt me down almost daily. When she finds me, she berates me loudly about the 'factual errors' in last night's post. This is a change, as normally she just berates me about things I say or do. I've never had her verbally attack me about my writing before. It's an improvement.

Another thing: she has also gotten into the habit of calling me 'Leslie' at school. Obviously this isn't my real name (my apologies to you if you haven't picked that up by now; I named myself after two of my favourite comedians), so it tends to attract bemused glances from passers-by passing by. It frequently happens that I'm sitting on a bench, innocently consuming my lunch-time bagel, only to hear a cry of 'Leslie M. Harper!', and know automatically that Giuseppe is approaching.

Giuseppe has also taken a leaf from my book and begun acting as a therapist. Here is an excerpt from a RAVE (Religious and Values Education) lesson:

LESLIE (L): What time is it?

GIUSEPPE (G): I don't know. How does that make you feel?

L: Unfulfilled.

G: And how does being unfulfilled make you feel?

L: Unloved.

G: And how do you feel about that?

L: It brings back painful repressed memories from my childhood.

G: Right. And how do you feel about that?

L (feeling a change of subject is required): I don't know. Did you hear about the gay penguins at the zoo?

G: I don't care about the gay penguins! Now tell me how that makes you feel!

I'm going to stop there because I think, taken on its own, that quote is one of the best - and strangest - I've every heard.

3. Marie-Clare

Since Marie-Clare saw my family tree in the previous post - despite the fact she 'didn't understand most of it' - she has married me. Who knows how these things happen? It's probably a result of Giuseppe going 'What are you, a married couple?' when we went to the canteen together earlier to buy Wagon Wheels (well, Marie-Clare was buying Wagon Wheels. She later went back to buy two more Wagon Wheels. Peanut came with us to buy a Wagon Wheel also. While there, we saw Ariane and Lala. 'Don't tell me you're buying Wagon Wheels,' I said sternly to them. 'All right, I won't' replied Ariane. Except I saw them coming out later with a Wagon Wheel each, the liars. For those of you who don't know, a Wagon Wheel is a kind of large chocolate covered jam-and-marshmallow biscuit. I've never really understood them, personally). Where was I? Oh, yes. Another reason Giuseppe refers to us as such is because we intend to go to the same university. This bit isn't actually related to the blog - I think I went off on rather a tangent about Wagon Wheels. Still, I'm allowed to do that. This is the Life & Times of Stranger Things. Can't beat that taste.

4. Shoelace

Shoelace, I believe, craves celebrity. Whenever we catch the bus together she asks to be mentioned in my blog. To this I give my generic answer - i.e. 'You've got five seconds to do something really interesting before I have to get off,' - and as she's normally still thinking in this time, she's rarely mentioned. Oh, that's not true, actually, she had that post to herself the other day. Except that was more about her gullibility than any personal achievement, so I'm not sure it counts.

Only today, as I was going down to the bus stop, she grabbed me (she didn't catch the bus today) and went 'Write about the time we made up words in Year Eight! Please!'

To please Shoelace, here is the story.

In Year Eight, Shoelace and I made up a lot of words. I've forgotten most of them. 'Haronge' was one. 'Serenderfendous' was another. We were going to put them in a dictionary but never got around to it. If I can find where I wrote them down two years ago, I'll tell you the meanings. Otherwise, no can do. That's the end of the story. Wasn't that fun, boys and girls?

5. Vyvyan

Since Vyvyan read the blog, she has sent me various comments on Facebook. Here is our conversation thus far. Obviously I've had to change the names (although I'm not sure why, seeing as Vyvyan is probably the only person reading this), but everything else is untouched. 

You only have to read half of that to realise exactly how noticeable these homicidal tendencies are. I mean, look! She's threatening to kill me!

I would mention this to her in person, but I'd be afraid of risking grievous bodily harm to myself.

6. Aviator

I only realised Aviator read the blog this morning, when he came up to me and went 'Incidentally, I like your blog.' Gave me a bit of a shock, honestly. Because of this I'm not sure he's had time to really have his life changed by it. He did, however, put some of the information mentioned on it to use by viciously attacking Peanut three times with the word 'tubes', as mentioned above. I suppose this is enough of an impact.

7. Lala

Lala's life hasn't been changed, exactly, but she certainly reads the blog. After talking to her today, I now have a new, completely updated family tree. Major changes: I've added Pablo to the tree after all, and have put Marie-Clare in as my wife. Also, the parentage of young Roman has changed (see below).

8. Ariane

Well, Ariane likes the blog. I know she does because she came up to me on the day after she read it for the first time and went 'I love your blog! It's so funny!'

So thank you, Ariane. I'm glad you liked it. That's the only purpose of its existence, after all.

And I apologise for a mistake I made previously. I said Roman was either the child of you and Lala or you and Ames. I was in error. Obviously you're still in the equation, but Lala and Ames have been removed. The child's father is, in fact, a MYSTERY MAN. I've had to signify him on the family tree with a question mark.

9. Gwen

Gwen's life has been changed by the blog, but not through any fault of her own. Only because since I started writing about marriage 'n things, I've decided that Gwen, too, should have a husband.

I remembered a story she was telling me way back in Term 1, about a pedestrian called Leon. And so, Gwen's soul mate is now Leon the Pedestrian (LTP for short). Gwen, however, refuses to accept this. I'm attempting to convince her by drawing little GA♥LTP signs in my maths book (maths being a class we have together). They were originally in her book, but she took umbrage at this and scribbled them all out. Tragic. Here is an example of one of our conversations - you can see how she was cunningly trying to change the subject:

LESLIE (L): When you're married, what do you want to call your children?

GWEN (G): I don't know. How about Sora? And Kama?

L: Karma? Awesome!

G: No, Kama, it's a Japanese word meaning - oh, never mind. I don't need to ask what you're calling your children. Are you still going to name them Cyanide and Happiness?

L: Well, I was thinking I'd call my children after the actors in The Masterson Inheritance. Assuming there's a boy and a girl. Well, no, because there are six actors in The Masterson Inheritance, and only two of them are female.

G (trying to do maths): That could be a problem.

L: Wait! I can give those names as middle names! And one of the men is called Lee. That's kind of a girl's name. That gives us - Cyanide Caroline Josie Lee Harper and Happiness Paul Phelim Jim Harper.

G: You're calling the girl Cyanide?

L: Why not?

G: If you have a third child, what will you call that one?

L: Robin Hood.

G: Of course. You're going to get sued by your children. I'll read about it in the newspapers in 15 years time, and know - just know - it's you.

L: At least my married name isn't going to be Gwen the Pedestrian.

G: Do you have to keep talking about that?

L: Yes. Let's plan your wedding. Do you want to be married by a priest? No, a priest isn't interesting enough. How about the Pope? No, that's not especially interesting either. How would you like to be married by a pirate?

G: I'd rather marry the pirate.

L: Tell you what, I'll draw a picture of Leon as a pirate.

G: You do that.

(Brief pause, in which I draw a pirate)

L: I can't draw parrots. Can I draw a hamster on his shoulder instead?

G: If you want.

L: No, I can't draw hamsters. How about a palm tree?

G: You're going to draw a bonsai palm tree on his shoulder?

L: That's an even better idea!

And it kind of goes downhill from there.

This is an example of someone's life being changed in a negative way. Sorry, Gwen. I think I owe you a proper apology. If I give you one, can I be a bride's maid?

10. Chinny

Chinny does revision for fun. I don't know if she even reads this blog. If she does, I still don't think it's changed her life to any noticeable degree. A pity. My first failure.

11. Ness

I'm not sure Ness's life has changed either. I'm fairly sure she reads the blog because I know Giuseppe got bored in the middle of English (according to her, I'm not in her class) and read my blog on the school computers instead of actually being productive, and I'm fairly sure Ness was there. But I probably haven't mentioned her enough for her life to have been impacted. So I'm sorry about that, Ness. I'll do my best to remedy that in the near future.

12. Phoenix

Phoenix, our American friend, has also started a blog since I started mine. It's about her life in America, designed to be of interest to those of us who are still Down Under. Read it, it's at http://phoenix-mylifeonanotherplanet.blogspot.com/. She's also using bizarre nicknames. My system has caught on.

13. Leslie

How have I changed? Well, I'm not sure it's a change in me, as such: more a change in my habits. Previously, when I've done random or unpredictable things, or noted this behaviour in others, I've been unable to do anything with the information. Now, people read it. For example, I just spent ten minutes combing a towel. Normally this is something I wouldn't bother sharing with the world. But with this blog, I can! Oh, joy.

Well, I think that about covers it. This blog has undoubtedly changed the lives of those involved with it. No more will I have to worry about ill-timed comments made by my friends.

Although honestly, I doubt Marie-Clare or Peanut actually remember our conversation before Geography. They soon got distracted, after Peanut decided to become a personal space invader, as seen in this comic:

What with Peanut trying to move as close to Marie-Clare as possible while she was speaking, and Marie-Clare having to break off in the middle of every few sentences to go 'WHAT THE HELL, PEANUT?', everything was a little distracting. But I'm grateful for that. It's thanks to incidents such as these - Strange Things between Stranger People - I keep in a job (metaphorically speaking, although if somebody would like to pay me for writing the blog, I'd be thrilled). So thank you, all. For the entertaining things I've never been able to record before.

And I hope you read this all the way through.