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The time we got really confused as to how big to make our scones and ended up with nine, where most other people had twenty-four ...
The time we forgot to turn the kitchen on (yes. Normally you just have to remember to turn the oven on. At school we have to turn the KITCHEN on. How were we supposed to remember that?) ...
The time right after we turned the kitchen on, when I tried cooking potatoes, forgot that the power was on and let them boil out all over the stove ...
Impressive as these stories are, if there's one I'd like to commit to posterity as one of Leslie's Recipes, it's the time we tried to make swiss rolls.
You will need:
Eggs (several)
Milk (some)
Flour (some more)
Sugar (a bit)
Jam (lots. I use raspberry, plum, or cherry, because those are the only kinds I like)
A cooking partner (in my case, I used Ness, but feel free to substitute other people if Ness is not readily available, which, as a rule, assuming you're doing this in the privacy of your own home, she won't be)
Some kind of interesting song to sing about swiss rolls
1. Collect eggs, flour, and milk from front. Panic about eggs being grey colour. Have Ness (or cooking partner of your choice) reassure you that colour is purely due to cardboard coming off on eggs. Reserve your judgement.
2. Begin to separate egg whites from egg yolks.
3. Do first egg successfully.
4. Drop second egg. Decide it is probably fine and convey contents to their respective bowls anyway.
5. Break third egg in disastrous dropped-glass-bowl-on-it tragedy.
6. Ignore teacher's disapproving look, collect fourth egg.
7. Do fourth egg successfully.
8. Wait for Ness to be done with fancy electric egg-beater type thing. In the meantime, decide to warm milk up ready to be added to mixture.
9. Discover microwave isn't working.
10. Plug microwave in, then try to warm milk.
11. Burn yourself on surprisingly hot milk. Drop milk.
12. Retrieve more milk from front. Avoid teacher. Warm it successfully.
13. Once Ness is done with egg-beater type thing, begin to whisk egg whites.
14. Whisk for five or so minutes then begin to wonder how to tell if it's finished or not.
15. Remember Hospitality teacher telling you yesterday that if you can hold the bowl upside down without the now meringue-like egg whites falling out, it is done.
16. Try the above.
17. Egg white is not done.
18. Vow never to try test again.
19. Put egg white back in bowl with help of wet cloth and continue whisking.
20. Get bored. Assume mixture is done. Mix sugar and egg yolks in, followed by flour and milk.
21. While doing this sing a song you made up on the spot about making swiss rolls. Mine went to the tune of 'Mr. Blue Sky', but feel free to experiment. Be imaginative about the lyrics. I personally managed eight different rhymes for 'swiss rolls'.
22. Discover that not everyone loves songs about baked goods sung to the tune of ELO songs as much as you.
23. Desist your singing.
24. Mixture now being done, follow cooking partner's example and tip it out on to a tray. It is vital that you remember to put baking paper on tray FIRST. I didn't, the first time.
25. Spread sponge cake type mixture out very thin and put in oven.
26. While waiting for sponge to cook, begin to wash up. Confuse hot tap with cold tap and experience painful burn. Become quite embarrassed by foolish accident. Lie to Ness and pretend nothing happened. Then wait for excruciating pain to die down.
27. Realise have forgotten how long swiss rolls were in the oven for.
28. Luckily, Ness remembers. Take hers out first.
29. Wrestle boiling hot flat sponge cake on to damp tea towel, roll up successfully. Leave to cool.
30. Decide to take mine out of oven. Look for oven gloves, which Ness had put down literally five seconds ago.
31. Still looking for oven gloves.
32. Still looking.
33. Give up. Decide must be due to the ghost in the Hospitality room. Use tea towel instead.
34. Pull tray out of oven. Drop it inelegantly on cooling rack.
35. Try to pull paper off screaming hot sponge cake while Hospitality teacher looks on interestedly. Manage to pull cake across to damp tea towel and roll it up with only minor incident involving the near removal of Ness's thumb with a butter knife. When Hospitality teacher looks away, casually burn yourself on tray.
36. Collect jam from front. Discover to horror, disgust, and scorn that it is strawberry.
37. Melt first jug of jam - Ness's - in microwave. Remembering milk experience, decide to heat it only slightly.
38. Jam comes out exactly the right temperature. Pleased with success, decide to heat other jug of jam for same length of time.
39. Jam comes out slightly below the boiling temperature of iron. Burn yourself.
40. Become mystified at apparent disagreement in jam temperatures. Question Ness.
41. It transpires that the second jug of jam had already been heated by Ness, who had then forgotten to tell you. Ignore her with dignity.
42. Stop ignoring her when you need her help to pour molten jam over now unrolled swiss roll.
43. Bell goes while you are still rolling it up again.
44. Panic, roll swiss roll up hastily, try not to damage your fingers while frantically slicing the ends off, throw roll in container, run away to your next class.
45. Show off your finished swiss roll to envious classmates (viz. a mildly interested Lala and Kapish).
46. Experience satisfaction with job well done. Congratulations! You now know how to make a Leslie M. Harper certified swiss roll.
47. Decide, as class has not yet started, to try part of awesome swiss roll.
48. Burn your fingers.
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