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Today is the 29th of May. A number of interesting things have occurred throughout history on this day. Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay reached the peak of Mount Everest. JFK was born. So was Noel Gallagher. Jeff Buckley died. A fairly tragic day for music all round.
But, perhaps most critically of all, today, the 29th of May 2011, is Marie-Clare’s 17th birthday.
It’s not often Marie-Clare has a birthday. Sometimes it’s as rare as once a year. Hence, why would I waste this wondrous opportunity?
Sadly, due to my lack of memory and inability to find things, I frequently forget to get people gifts. Even when I do, they’re rarely especially memorable. So this year, I decided to change. Marie-Clare is one of the most truly amazing people I know. And yet she is not, and has never been in, a relationship. Considering how beautiful and generally spectacular she is, surely the only reason she’s not overrun with hordes of enthusiastic suitors is because none of them have any idea how to go about it,
And so, as my gift on her birthday, I give to you:
HOW TO GO OUT WITH MARIE-CLARE
NB: It should be noted that not only is this being written entirely with Marie-Clare’s approval, it was, to the best of my knowledge, her suggestion. Just to get that cleared up.
Firstly: Marie-Clare’s perfect man
If you do wish to go out with Marie-Clare, you should definitely check the criteria. Although it has, at times, seemed that there is no end to the list of qualities she finds attractive, in reality there are quite limited options.
Here is a list of people she does, at the present moment, find attractive. While it’s not all encompassing it should at least give the casual reader a slightly better picture of what she likes.
Paul McCartney
James McCartney
Tom Daley
Nic from work
Jared Croker
Gerard Way
Benedick
Claudio
Joseph Fiennes
Jude Law
Josh Thomas
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Primarily, if you are one of these people mentioned above, you should have relatively no trouble. Unless you’re Paul McCartney, in which case you’re shortly marrying an American heiress, and I’d carefully consider the relative benefits of asking a 17-year-old Australian to go out with you instead.
Those people who aren’t mentioned by name in the above list have a slightly smaller chance of ever hoping to go out with MC. Nonetheless, the chance is not totally non-existent. Using what I see as the key qualities of people from the above list, I have created MC’s ideal man.
He must be a 69-year-old man with few teeth, a strangely high-pitched voice, and a bizarre penchant for wearing grey cardigans. He should have either an exaggerated Australian accent, a Liverpudlian dialect, or some kind of remotely American manner of speaking in which he occasionally halts in the middle of words and laughs encouragingly and somewhat disconcertingly. It is vital that he either doesn’t work at all or works in a fast food restaurant with Marie-Clare. As a friend of Marie-Clare’s, humbly attempting to help her find happiness, I’d suggest the second one is a more viable option. He’ll need to earn money for her somehow. Also, who doesn’t love a septuagenarian who can flip burgers?
Again, using the above list, this seemingly already perfect man must be distantly related to Voldemort. He must love The Beatles beyond all sense and reason and never, ever want to bring children into the world, although, given his age, the possibility of this happening was relatively small anyway. A healthy amount of homosexuality wouldn’t hurt either. This, friends, is the PERFECT MAN.
Unless of course you’re the son of this man, in which case that’s fine, too.
Secondly: Asking her out
Having established that you are the PERFECT MAN for Marie-Clare, the next major step in my landmark ‘How To Go Out With Marie-Clare’ is, of course, ASKING HER OUT. This is a delicate task. Marie-Clare tends to become unstable in the presence of relationships. Also sunflowers, clowns, and kelp, but we’ll concentrate for the moment on relationships.
An example of this:
Two days ago I was in Common Room with Falcon, chatting casually about I forget what. Suddenly, out of nowhere, or possibly out of one of the doors, Marie-Clare arrived.
MARIE-CLARE (MC): Hello, Leslie.
LESLIE (L): Hello, Marie-Clare.
FALCON (F): Hello, Marie-Clare.
MC: Leslie, I think you should know that I’ve decided to overcome my hatred of Falcon in favour of being friends with you. I’m just that accepting and caring.
F: Leslie, I should tell you that there are no circumstances in which I have, do, or will like Marie-Clare, no matter what she says. Just thought you should know.
MC: Leslie, I take the former statement back. Falcon, die.
F: I don’t care. I still hate you.
MC: Leslie, are just going to stand there and let him talk to me like that?
F: Come on, Leslie, it’s obvious you should be on my side.
L: I don’t know. I’m not sure if I can intervene. Anyway, I’m kind of enjoying it.
MC: Leslie, I’m your FRIEND! I’m WAY more important than your boyfriend!
F: Leslie, ditch her. Ditch her immediately.
MC: DUMP HIM. DUMP HIM NOW.
At that point they both made dramatic exits, leaving me with no one to talk to.
Anyway, as you’ll be able to tell from above example, Marie-Clare can have quite an adverse reaction to relationships in her presence. Nonetheless, I am going to be far more supportive than she is, and suggest ways in which the seemingly impossible feat of ASKING HER OUT could be made feasible.
One of the most notable things about Marie-Clare is the way in which she falls in love so easily. Hence, even if you are not, at the moment of asking, her PERFECT MAN, there is a passable chance that by the time you’ve finished you might be. The important thing is to do it when she’s not expecting it. In this way you can slip under any prepared defences she may have at the ready.
Here is my suggestion for asking her out:
Hide. In her locker is a good option, although it could be slightly cramped. Lie under the Wagon Wheels in the canteen until she comes by. Cower behind the Beatles section in the library. Pretend to be a rock in her Geology classroom.
When she comes into your presence, spring out with flowers and a chloroform-soaked handkerchief. Scream ‘MARIE-CLARE, DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT WITH ME?’. Do it LOUDLY. It is imperative that she notices you. Also, this will make you difficult to ignore. I know I’d find a screaming maniac appearing from nowhere in a school environment hard to pass by – or even explain. Or I’d just say ‘Hello, Peanut’.
If she says yes, all well and good. Present her with the flowers and work out a time and an option (for viable date options, one must only lower one’s eyes a little further down the page, at which point one will be visually confronted by a section addressing that very issue).
Given my past experiences with Marie-Clare – and I’ve known her for two and a half years now – I’d suggest that, if she doesn’t actually say yes, her answer will be either (a) no or (b) stunned silence. In this case, drug her using the chloroform and kidnap her. Then take her on a date anyway.
It’s probably a good idea to use weak chloroform so she’s awake by the time you get to the venue. Otherwise it could be a little suspicious.
Thirdly: Date options
Now we’re down to the nitty-gritty of the article. Having successfully asked her out, you will then want to take her out. At this point, I believe, my advice will be invaluable. I have had a vantage point of Marie-Clare for the past several years. I’ve collected any amount of interesting and extremely helpful information. Now is the time to put it to use. Each option is provided with three ratings, each out of five. The first for the ease with which it can be put into place (five being intrinsically difficult, one able to be completed with relative ease), the second how much Marie-Clare will like it, the third how likely it is to actually work for you.
Below is a list of some of the more generic date options, sorted niftily into three easy-to-reference categories: Food, Film, and Misc.
FOOD
Taking someone out to dinner is universally recognised as a romantic move. Unfortunately, in the case of Marie-Clare, this move is EXTREMELY easy to get wrong. One wrong move and the entire evening could dramatically fail in your face. Espcially as Marie-Clare is one of the pickiest people in the ENTIRE WORLD. She won’t eat tomatoes, oranges, asparagus, spicy things, or a number of other foods and fares I forget. For this reason the whole idea of meals is a delicate area. Do NOT attempt it without at least glancing over the advice below.
NB: If you decided to go with the drug-with-chloroform option above, you’d better make this meeting exceptional. You’re already starting off at a lower point than the others.
Any kind of Asian restaurant, ever
Difficulty: 1
MC’s Rating: 1
Chance of Success: 1
Not a good idea to go with this one. I’ve been with Marie-Clare to a number of different Asian restaurants. We went to a Vietnamese place. She ate rice. At yum cha, she managed to order a plate of plain noodles and got by on them. Don’t even try Thai. Just don’t do this. It will FAIL. FAIL, I tell you.
Italian food
Difficulty: 2
MC’s Rating: 4
Chance of Success: 3
Italian is one of the two cultures Marie-Clare feels capable of consuming food from. Somehow, despite her lack of respect for tomatoes or any of that ilk, which one would think would be a tremendous difficulty. she loves Italian food. She probably likes the sundried kind. It’s impossible not to like sundried tomatoes.
The fast food restaurant she works at
Difficulty: 0
MC’s Rating: 0
Chance of Success: 1
You never know with this option. She might think of you as a considerate person who, knowing she doesn’t eat widely and can’t get out of work, has attempted to be as considerate and make it as convenient for her as possible. Once, when she was working, one of the Raiders came to her till. As soon as she’d served him she had to run out to the back of the restaurant, crying in some sort of ecstatic glee. It’s possible this option could work. Theoretically.
Or, as is more likely, she’ll think you’re a slacker and never go out with you again.
English restaurant
Difficulty: 4
MC’s Rating: 3
Chance of Success: 2
Marie-Clare once claimed that the only food she likes eating is Italian and English. I was sceptical. At the time, I hadn’t been sure if there was even such thing as fine British cuisine. You don’t really see many fancy English restaurants around. So you’re either faced with the difficulty of trying to find one, or that of simply taking her to a fish and chip shop. Or, if neither of these take your fancy, you could simply try the next option:
Fly to England
Difficulty: 5
MC’s Rating: 4
Chance of Success: 4
Marie-Clare dreams of going to England. She’s considered going on several school trips this year that would allow her to go, rejecting all of them as too expensive and not letting her see enough of the country (one of them, it turned out, let you go to Scotland but never visit London). The plan she’s currently formulating is to spend her gap year being a tutor at an English boarding school. I’m supposed to come too.
Anyway, by flying to England, you could certainly get some truly English cuisine. Like curry. Or kebabs. Also, you could take her to Liverpool, which would ensure you raised to the level of a god in her eyes, although still, it has to be said, below the level of Paul McCartney.
The only flaw in this plan would be that she’d know you’d drugged her and secretly flown her to another country. Probably better to be safe on this one and save it until she’d actually conscious. Although it would mean she wasn’t confronted with the tedium of an extremely long flight.
FILM
A film is always a good option. There are any number of possibilities associated with it. Unfortunately, even more so than with FOOD, there are a number of associated risks as well.
Take her to the cinema
Difficulty: 1
MC’s Rating: 1
Chance of Success: 1
Take Marie-Clare to the cinema. Don’t go in and see a film. Sit on those comfortable lounges they have, buy some popcorn, and chat until you get kicked out. This is unlikely to work. It does save you money, though.
Take her to the cinema and watch a film
Difficulty: 2
MC’s Rating: 2
Chance of Success: 1
We’re on somewhat safer ground here. Going to the cinema and actually watching a film is likely to be far more helpful than just going to the cinema and sitting there. You could see Sanctum. At least, you could if it hadn’t finished. That’ll teach you for not going to see it when it was actually on.
The problem with this one is that if you’re watching a film with an attractive man in it, Marie-Clare is far more likely to spend the entire film swooning over him than admiring you. I’d suggest either watching the film first by yourself to figure out the risks of this happening, or just chloroforming her during the dangerous bits.
Take her to the cinema and watch a film she wants to see
Difficulty: 3
MC’s Rating: 3
Chance of Success: 1
More likely to win her over, but an equally low possibility of success. For a start, Marie-Clare probably only wants to see the film because it’s got somebody she likes in it. That doesn’t bode well for your chances.
Take her to the cinema and watch a film she wants to see, and prepare for it
Difficulty: 5
MC’s Rating: 5
Chance of Success: 2
This is probably the most difficult. Forget that. This is DEFINITELY the most difficult.
Find about ten million dollars. Call Paul McCartney. Call Jude Law. Get Josh Thomas involved somehow. Add a cameo from a couple of the Raiders as bluff, friendly men in a bar scene. Make a film. (I’m happy to do the script. It could be my big break into the movie business).
Halfway through the film, get Paul to turn to the camera and say ‘Marie-Clare, you should really consider going out with XXXXX’ (insert your name at that point. For the moment, I’ve just assumed you’re called XXXXX. It’s pronounced ‘Xscscscscscsssss’).
Jude Law should at this point walk in and temporarily take a break from whatever unfeeling yet intelligent man of action he’s playing to say ‘I agree, Marie-Clare, XXXXX is fantastic.’
Perhaps Josh Thomas could choose this moment to go ‘That’s right, Marie-Clare. I’d love to go out with XXXXX if I had the option. Unfortunately, he’s too in love with you.’
A couple of the Raiders would mumble their manly assent.
Produce, edit, and finish this film. THEN take Marie-Clare to see it. Feign surprise when the moment described above occurs. Also feign surprise when your name appears in the credits as director, producer, and sponsor. Then spend the rest of your life living down the terrible reviews. Also, you’re unlikely to see that ten million again.
Unfortunately, Marie-Clare will probably have spent the entire film engrossed in the appearance of her idols. Your chance of success is slightly higher. DEFINITELY not certain.
Watch a film at home
Difficulty: 1
MC’s Rating: 2
Chance of Success: 2
The benefits of doing this are that (a) you don’t have to pay and (b) you can watch whatever film you want. The disadvantages are that drugging a girl and taking her to your house is not a good look. Also, I know Marie-Clare. The moment she wakes up she will burn your house to the ground.
Watch Gattaca
Difficulty: 0
MC’s Rating: 5
Chance of Success: 5
Who doesn’t love Gattaca? The perfect date option. Incredibly easy, because I will actually lend you the DVD. Marie-Clare cannot fail to love the fact that you’re showing her this film which, admittedly, I’ve shown her before, and which, sadly, she didn’t appreciate as much as I’d been hoping.
Still, even if she isn’t thrilled at watching it, I’m happy to come around and watch it with the two of you. My open-mouthed admiration of the film will surely break the ice.
MISCELLANEOUS
While the above two categories fit in some of the more typical date options, I’ve also incorporated a number of different ideas. These are not, of course, the complete be-all and end-all of ‘Going out with Marie-Clare’ territory. Consider them as a basic starting point.
To a Raider’s game
Difficulty: 3
MC’s Rating: 4
Chance of Success: 2
Marie-Clare goes to all the Raiders Games anyway. I’m sure it will impress her that you want to go. Unfortunately, the hordes of large football players running around on the field below you are likely to impress her more.
Performance of a Shakespearean play
Difficulty: 3
MC’s Rating: 2
Chance of Success: 2
While Marie-Clare likes Shakespeare, her constant feeling that the actors are secretly patronising her, and the anger that ensues from this, are unlikely to guarantee you a real chance of success.
Doctor Who marathon
Difficulty: 3
MC’s Rating: 2
Chance of Success: 1
I’ve tried this. So not only will it not be new for Marie-Clare, she’s more likely to be admiring the Doctor’s suspenders than actually paying attention to (a) you or (b) the plot.
Poetry reading
Difficulty: 4
MC’s Rating: 3
Chance of Success: 3
If you’re doing this you should really do it with poetry you’ve written yourself. She’s a double English student. She’ll recognise it if you’re reading something you found on the internet.
If you’re in need of something, I’ve recently started spending my Maths lessons writing my own poetry. ‘Writing’ in a very loose sense of the word. I type song lyrics into my calculator, rearrange the words, and take different segments of them as lines. I’ve named them TI-nspirations after my calculator. It’s basically poetry without having to go to the effort of writing it.
For example, from ELO’s ‘Mr Blue Sky’:
Night now on over
Remember right shoulder
His it is handing, this
Way that you are squared
Or ‘Sweet is the Night’, by the same band:
Disappear, is it light
Here, you are they
Sweet now shines night
Dark the three for day
Or the Sex Pistols’ ‘God Save The Queen’:
England screaming human being
Fascist for a future god
Love machine, the queen, no meaning
Regime save our mad parade
(I quite liked this one, probably because I put less effort in than any of the others. Not that it takes much effort to press a button and then write some words down)
Or ‘The Diary of Horace Wimp’:
‘Sunday street has Thursday’s plan
Friday gladly fumbles
Tuesday hurries Wednesday’s man,’
Lonely Monday mumbles
I’m not giving you any of my Beatles ones. You’ll have to either pay me for them or spend a couple of minutes making one yourself. Preferably the first one. I need to make a living somehow.
Down a mineshaft
Difficulty: 4
MC’s Rating: 1
Chance of Success: 1
Marie-Clare hopes to become a mining official in the not-so-distant future, which worries me, because now I’ve actually got to consider if I want to do anything useful with my life either. Anyway, while she may love Geology, this doesn’t mean she actually wants you to drive her out to the middle of Australia and take her down into a dark hole in the ground. I wouldn’t recommend it. Also, it might collapse and you’d be stuck forever, like in Sanctum.
To a Beatles concert
Difficulty: 5
MC’s Rating: 5
Chance of Success: 5
This would involve you travelling back in time to 1964, when The Beatles visited Australia, buying tickets against the hordes of ravening fans, and taking her to the concert without relinquishing her to the clutches of 22-year-old Paul McCartney. On the other hand, you can easily pay for the trip by betting on horse races while you’re there. Negatives include the difficulty of completing this and the necessity of building a time machine.
To the future
Difficulty: 4
MC’s Rating: 2
Chance of Success: 4
You don’t even have to really take her to the future. Hire a mansion in the country, two middle-aged actors who look slightly like you and her, and furnish it with all the trappings of extreme wealth as well as several futuristic devices. Use the film Gattaca for your model. Incorporate a couple of Beatles’ posters. Buy a car. Make it look like a time machine. Trick her into getting into the machine, make some TARDIS-like noises – just go ‘whhhRRRR-rrr. WhhhRRRR-rrr. WhhhRRRR-rrr’ a couple of times – and drive off to said mansion. On the way, explain that you are taking her to see her own future. Otherwise the whole point of the exercise is wasted.
When you get there, let her look around. Then you can both hide in a cupboard while the actors walk past, claiming to be future-you and future-her. Future-Marie-Clare should add some expostulations as to how glad she is she married you after going with you to the future all those years ago. When they’ve gone, go back to the time machine, make some more noises, and drive back.
NB: You should probably have recorded the time machine noises so you can play them during the trip. If it’s just you sitting in a car going ‘whhhhhRRRRRRRRR-rrr’ she might suspect something.
Fourthly: Marrying Marie-Clare
If you’re through to this point, I’ll assume you’ve been largely successful and are now prepared to MARRY MARIE-CLARE. You need no advice at this point. Marie-Clare is intensely indecisive about this matter. When out shopping with her, she can point to three separate dresses in the space of ten minutes, each time claiming it’s the only dress she could ever see herself married in. As long as it’s not a drive-through Elvis chapel she should be fine. And that’s only because she doesn’t like Elvis. A drive-through Beatles chapel might be acceptable. You should probably wait a year, though, I’m not sure how her parents would look upon her getting married before the age of eighteen. You never know, though - maybe my next year’s post will be a ‘How to Marry Marie-Clare’ special edition. I look forward to the possibility.
And so, you have reached the end of the guide. Congratulations on your successful application of the most recent helpful Harper How-To™, and please consider it in the future for any of your going-out-with-Marie-Clare needs.
Happy 17th Birthday, Marie-Clare – I hope you get this post in time, and I hope you like it. Sadly, until I find exactly where I’ve put your present (I know I put it somewhere safe, if I could just remember WHERE …), this is the best you’re getting.
Well, the post and this.
Many happy returns of the day, oh fantastic friend, and I hope you enjoy it –
Marie-Clare Zuckerberg.
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